Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.