If only
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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m tired tomorrow.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.