Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
You Might Also Like
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Stop.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6