Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )