“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
True freaking story!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.