They did not miss in the small print
You Might Also Like
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Go hard or stay average
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Hell yeah 👍
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
that colleague who touches your screen
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery