Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
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Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers