The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.