Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
❤️❤️❤️