I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.