my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries