Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
New Tinder profile.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
PARKOUR
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.