[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Why font matters.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!