i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar