Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
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Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Tuesday
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.