Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
goldfish mafia
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎