A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.