I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.