Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: