Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
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COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Ugh
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.