The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
never forget
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
This is my favorite one of these!
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.