Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
So the ex texted me
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me trying to walk in a dream
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢