Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
me adding lol on a serious message
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
this is the news I live for
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?