PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Always 🥴
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
yall want some gasoline milk
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot