[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
japanese corn
People buying plungers never look happy.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I think they could have phrased this better
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Very good! 👍😂
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Husband of the year 😂
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.