GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine