It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
How is it still this week?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.