What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.