“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”