Guilty! 🤪
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Did…did a minotaur write this
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
fired
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets