If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop