barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Always…
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
mechanics be like
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.