According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
You Might Also Like
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Why am I like this?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”