cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
You Might Also Like
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Quadruple digit IQ
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted