I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Dishonest mechanic?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”