Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Money is the root of all wealth
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..