*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”