Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Good point.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE