life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣