My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The Assassin.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
12. I think about this all the damn time
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.