“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”