I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*checks Timeline*…
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count