“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.