they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?