[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
You Might Also Like
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
The asteroid..
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
#growingpains
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).