took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you