My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
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Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them