Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
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[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
you have three unread messages
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
it’s finally my moment to shine
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.