[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
The happy life.. 😊
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.