Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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Ha.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.